What to do when?

Obviously, now. What to feel? Obviously, whatever is here, now! What to do? Whatever I do.

I am experiencing extreme change right now, which appears to be in my “external” life, but obviously, as there is no external, it’s all just here now. The change is bringing waves of emotions and last night, in the early hours before dawn, intense searching for what it is I need next……oh goodness, I haven’t been drawn to that level of fixing searching for many years and it is messed up! There are people, probably very well meaning, peddling everything! I can tune into my womb, reconnect my DNA, go on amazing looking retreats with wonderful gurus, join groups to learn all the levels of getting….this. I am also not knocking any of it….whatever shows up, right? Clearly, last night, my head went wild in terms of protecting the me and maybe any of those things would have “helped”. We “do” what we have to “do”. And I feel grateful that what shows up right now is a clearing of the clouds and the recognition still remains that there is no me. Literally. These words get written, and a me will probably appear and try and take credit / discredit…..but it doesn’t change what is. These words show up. This activity shows up. There isn’t anyone to want or not want what shows up …..there just is. Anything comes……and yes, some very, very difficult and painful emotions and recognition of “patterns of behaviour/ trauma” have shown up recently. Pain, anguish, peace, joy, rage, hatred, space, hope, resistance, panic, anxiety (yes, very busy here!!), and no me. So what is this? This, both the absence and the inclusion of all that appears. Ultimately, I don’t know, this is a mystery, known. Utterly unconditional and devoid of all need and preference. Of course, I Am…..no separation. What part of this would I want to be rid of. So as the dust settles, the nervous system calms, the waves fall back into the sea they never left, the scene/ weather - feelings, sensations, thoughts change to a more serene outlook and still nothing has changed. And it seems like a freedom to care is here, the freedom to want to be here, to be “alive” with all this that is showing up. Not separate.